When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
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My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you