Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
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Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Him: Again??
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
Me: when I was your age we had nine planets
6: what happened? We only have 8 now.
Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.
6: 😳
Hubby: um honey…
Me: what? It’s better than the truth!
Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.