Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
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DOOO EEEET
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer