Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
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Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
Simple
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.
[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.