[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
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I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
I pray every night that I never become religious…
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
Me, flirting😏
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.