Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
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My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
This made me chuckle cuz mood
Which wines pair best with gloating?
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.