oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
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A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
OH. COME. ON.
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
my nickname in college
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night