Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
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[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.
Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
Friday
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
new year update: losing everything but weight
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair