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Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]
ME: how can i prepare for my date
FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids
ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
[phone]
H: What’s for dinner?
M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.
H: Should I stop and get something?
M: Yes, more vodka.
Good morning, Twitter x
Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son