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Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
this is 10/10 content no notes
Holy crap this is wonderful
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
Weirdos gonna weird.
#milo
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
