Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
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i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.