FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
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It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
Who called it baking and not making love
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.