Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
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I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer