The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
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*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.
I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.
But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.
Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace