Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”
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“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
SON: Dad, were there any doctor shows like Grey’s Anatomy when you were a kid?
ME: Yeah.
SON: What was it called?
ME: Grey’s Anatomy.
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.