Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting
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There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!
Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.