if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
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I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???