Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
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If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
[first date]
Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.
Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.