JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
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*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
O
o
o
o
o
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.
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Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean