i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
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genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
Get Outlook for iOS”
Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?
Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
Good morning, Twitter x
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
6: Mom will you play with me?
Me: Sure buddy
6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ
TRAIN’S HERE
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.