It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
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At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
⚠️ Important Reminder:
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”