Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
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I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench