Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great
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Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.