(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
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pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.