ππππππππ€π€ππ
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I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
Are you there Santa?
Itβs me, Midge
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
π² Willing to sneak snacks into movies
π² Good at building blanket forts
π² Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
π² toilet paper roll goes OVER
π² I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality
Practicing safe sax
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought βhey maybe I would work out between meetingsβ so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driverβs seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime βliterallyβ is misused and did his βYou keep saying that wordβ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Donβt eat 5 bags of Reeseβs Pumpkins again this year.
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
I get it, McFlurry machine. I donβt work when Iβm at work either.
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday