Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality
You Might Also Like
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
This kinda thing happens to me often
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
🚲+physics = winner
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”
Spring of Deception
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”
When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*