Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
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my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
Seals are just dog mermaids.
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this