Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
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I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.