Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
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Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
*First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people
Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
A “birthday card” from my 8 y/o…
Hallmark, you hiring?
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY