I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
You Might Also Like
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
Me driving through Toronto
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch