art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
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Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
Double negatives are never not confusing.
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner