I want to meet the individual who made this
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They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*
9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad
necessity is the mother of invention
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.