Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
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Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.