Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
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OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
Denise please return my vape pen
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?