I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
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The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*
ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
Mornin
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Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.