I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
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A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
After taking this customer satisfaction survey, please take a brief survey to let us know how your experience taking our survey was.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.