Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”
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Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.