Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
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Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
Him: Did you poop in the shower?
Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?
H: Well who else could it be?
M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?
H: Oh that makes more sense.
At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.
I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…