I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song

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Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.


Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some


SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore


GPS: Take the next right.


GPS: Make a U-Turn.

GPS: Make a U-Turn.

Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…


Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.


i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either


Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store


Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.


2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris