@SoulYodeler

I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song

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@bingowings14

Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.

@thedad

Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some

@rockymomax

SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore

@SimplySnaccbar

GPS: Take the next right.

Me:

GPS: Make a U-Turn.

GPS: Make a U-Turn.

Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…

@topaz_kell

Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.

@sheluvhec

i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either

@junejuly12

Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store

@TheAlexNevil

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.

@xkattxhca

2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris