I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
You Might Also Like
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.
As he expected, no one came.
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?