“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
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In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌