DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
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I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
In case you needed to hear it:
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.
Is fake venison called venisn’t
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you