Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
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There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me: