If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
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What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?
Me: no honey.
Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.
Me: yes but he has legs.
Daughter: Ariel has legs too.
[later]
Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?
Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house
Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons
Me: What about the housekeeper
Gma: Already talked to her
Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair
Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel