If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
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My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
A Monday every week is excessive
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
Me: I say it will be $750
Hubs: I say $630
Costco cashier: That’ll be $750.29
Me: Oh ya! I am a Costco genius! Woop woop!
Hubs: Yes, let’s celebrate paying the HIGHER amount
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]