If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
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Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.