seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
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My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.
[Movie Theatre]
Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.
8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.
Me:
Employee:
*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.
Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!
11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?
Me: That depends. How old are you?
11: I’m eleven.
Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha
11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.