Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.
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*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.