Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
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It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
2.
3.
4.
5.
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”