Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
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wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
[eye doctor’s office]
receptionist: do you have vision insurance
me: yup *hands over card*
receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate
me: but my eyes are in my body
receptionist:
me: and they’re unhealthy
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.