God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
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CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
me opening up to someone
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
Sunday
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
definitely did not do anything wrong
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.