CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
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My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..
….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up
Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.