What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
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My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming