What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
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Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos