What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
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Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
Watching my roommate mow the grass and pretending I’m at a fancy hotel. Saying things like “they do a beautiful job here”
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!Sir I-
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
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I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.