The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
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My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
rich people when they have to pay taxes
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?
TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.
ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
My dog after a walk in the woods.
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
🍞🦆