Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
You Might Also Like
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
is there nothing we can trust anymore
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”